My name is Cotton Mather (sure), and I am the translator for Thomas Paine’s zombie that broke into my house. He is holding me by musket-point, and making sure that his grievances are known to modern Americans. Do not hold me responsible for Tom’s rants, since he is rather old, he missed the internet revolution, and I am forced to type for him (plus, his fingers break off easily), but he still reads the papers. He is upset at modern America, and this will be his outlet to inform us of his thoughts. I will do my best, since it is hard to understand a zombie that slurs his British accent. But, I will do my best.